25 Sep mid-recess week madness
A quick check-in before I head on to do more work and repeat the full cycle of “let me wake up by 730am!” and proceed to only plop in my bed at 3 am. Apparently, I’m still terrible at time management and nobody else needs to confirm that.
This has got to be the most productive recess week thus far as an undergraduate. Perhaps cos there isn’t as many mid-terms examinations, or maybe cos I’m enjoying my classes and side hustles a lot more. By side hustles, I’m simply referring to my involvement in The Ridge as an editor. As far as I’m concerned, the work there has been beyond gratifying – given that we have
This semester, I have been far more concerned with my future (aka job prospects) more than academics. Yes, I still attend classes (with the exception of this history class I was sorta compelled to attend to clear minor requirements – ugh), and in fact, I relish in my 3h seminars a whole lot. I love that classes are smaller and that we get to speak as we learn the contents of the class. The smaller class size also proved to be more effective for me because this is the most outspoken I have ever been in my time in
In line with my dreams of being less nerdy and ‘sheltered’ (within the confines of NUS that is), I have been trying to head out more. I was a homebody, last semester particularly, staying at home and cooking all my meals. Granted, that was how I managed to save all my allowance to afford that Japan + Korea trip, but that whole time I pretty much lived in silos, interacted with nobody else except my followers online. Hi to all 10 of you.
This whole semester has been a big mood. I have drafted plans, failed at them, but blamed myself less. I have acted more and thought lesser, which helped a lot in reducing that ~self-induced anxiety~ that I constantly feel when I overthink situations. I have learnt to be more honest with myself – which includes accepting that I do have sucky traits and there is a serious need to work on them. I have started to journal more (following my degenerative episodes in Korea) in hopes of detoxing my brain. I have also come to learn there is so much one brain can process at one time – and it is not my onus to be responsible for every single issue that comes my way.
Which was also why I decided on a hiatus. A social hiatus, as I would like to call it. I took a break from socializing, from hanging out. As much as I enjoyed the company of others, I was drained. Emotionally, I felt vacuous and often absorbed the feelings of others. It is something that I’d learnt about myself years ago from a friend (thanks Yan), but only wanted to act on them recently. There was a lot of thinking and growing involved this semester, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
While there were times I wished to return back to my old lifestyle which provided much comfort, I realized that was what really kept me stagnant. So yes, change is uncomfortable, growth is uncomfortable. I’ve seen it, experienced it, and still crave for it. I hope I will still be this confident about myself in time to come.
It’s 2:30am, and my thoughts are incoherent. I apologize for the word vomit in advance.