29 Jan It’s 2020!
It took me one whole month to figure out what I wanted to write on this space because I was lost most of the time. Both literally and figuratively. Besides losing my way around classes because NUS seemed to have a way of challenging me on my last semester by situating my classes in the most ulu sections of FASS, I’ve been lost in my own headspace for quite a while now. Many times I allow my mind to drift. I find it harder to concentrate on anything. The cycle repeats and I become more and more lethargic because I keep going back to my uncompleted tasks, feeling discouraged and unmotivated at the sight of my failed attempts.
I must say I haven’t been using my time as productively as I should since Jan began. I imagine myself putting in hours of work, sitting in front of the laptop trying to get shit done – only to find myself scrolling through memes on Facebook after 20 minutes of doing nothing. Repeat this action x10 every time you encounter a challenge or mild inconvenience and you’ll end up a little something like me – a reminder from my iPhone that I have an average of 5 hours screentime daily. I’m seriously not proud of what I’ve turned myself into, and I’m hoping to restart myself this coming Lunar New Year.
Speaking of which, this Chinese New Year has got to be the most tiring one so far. I wonder if it’s the age or boredom – or the lack of an S.O. to do exciting stuff with – that I found this CNY rather dreadful. Though I did receive my fair share of pineapple tarts and bakkwa, I think I no longer appreciate putting junk food in my system. Just 2 days back, I had a rather severe case of food poisoning, which after some self-diagnosis, was possibly due to indigestion. I woke up at 5 in the morning to puke out my dinner from 10 hours ago and felt nauseous for an entire hour after that. I think it’s a sign that my body is no longer ok with overeating 🙁
I’m also trying to restart my habit of eating healthy, going to the gym, waking early and reading more books. These are habits that I’ve let go since the start of Year 4 because of some poor decision-making but I really want to start caring for my mind and body this coming year. I know google says that it takes 66 days to form a new habit but I suppose if I’m trying to retrieve an old habit it might take a little lesser time than that…?
I want to document more of myself on this space too. I want to stop saying things like “if time permits” or “I’ll make time…” because of something my friend said to me a while back – that I have full control over the hours in my life. I think it really puts back the agency in me to exercise judgement over what is useless or useful to me at this juncture in my life and discard accordingly. The scary thing about wanting to be a “Yes man” is that you’ll unwittingly give up your whole life trying to meet the expectations of some other people who might not even exist 5 years down the road. This year I’m trying to take back that power by taking back my hours. To cut down on excessive socializing and activities that can be unproductive to my long-term happiness and productivity. And to also learn to say no when I really can’t accommodate other spontaneous plans in my schedule. I must be persistent in my endeavours. NO MEANS NO!!!
As much as I would like to say that I started this year on a high note, it was quite the contrary. I spent the last few days of 2019 reflecting on my growth, mistakes and challenges, and writing letters to people that I’ll never send out. I began 2020 fearful of what the next 6 months would hold – in part because F was going on exchange, and mostly due to my looming unemployment. I still have got no clue what I wish to dive into – but I do have an inkling on what I might be passionate about. That in itself is rather consoling. I’d rather have a purpose and no concrete direction than the other way round. Directions can be misleading sometimes. Purpose puts an end as to why you do what you do. Without purpose, I think we can hustle blindly forever and still feel unsatisfied.
Okay I guess I’m done preaching to myself. Till next time.